Cuts Which Are As Deep As My Soul
by bexaday
Summary: The Commander has been feeling stressed lately with all the pressure the Illusive Man is putting on herself and Miranda and the constant lack of knowledge about what is going to happen once they face the Collectors, and yet the only one who seems to care is Miranda. Miranda calls Shepard down for a talk about it all only to talk about something they both hate, feelings. ME2 Oneshot


**Cuts Which Are As Deep As My Soul**

**A/N: So guys I know I haven't updated any of my stories in a very long time so I thought I would write a quick one- shot for you as a taster of the chapter I will be writing for ALL my stories in the next coming days. As normal, if you don't like the Shepard and Miranda pairing then don't read it and don't bash it. Because at the end of it all it isn't for you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mass Effect universe.**

Shepard was once again sat at her desk with her head in her hands with absolutely no clue on how she was going to pull of this kind of mission, and last time everything was so confusing with so little known about the Reapers, about Sovereign.

But now Shepard knew more than she had before and in more ways than one it made her insides go cold and the hair on the back of her neck stood up whenever she remembered why she was aboard this Cerberus vessel.

Something this time around frightened Shepard even more than the first time, last time there was so much red tape to climb through; Shepard broke so many regulations to make sure she saved the Earth. Hell, she saved the Universe. But this time there was so much more to this mission, she had lost so much to the Collectors and the Reapers and what she did manage to salvage was slipping through her fingers like sand. Shepard's fingernails dug into her scalp as her hands clenched, tightening their hold, as if they were trying to contain all the knowledge about members of her crew, the fact that the Alliance had turned on her, that thought caused her stomach to tighten involuntarily, it truly was as emotional shit storm that continuously whirled inside of her.

It hadn't stopped since she found out she had died from Jacob.

Shepard took a deep breath as her tense muscles began to tighten to point that was almost painful, Shepard knew that this time was so much different and there was more at stake, more than she ever thought there could have been, the Alliance had pronounced her dead and had all together dismissed the hard evidence she had gathered and just labelled it a theory and now ignored the threat which loomed. Shepard grounded her teeth, she knew that her death had been hard on her crew and the Alliance had let everything they had discovered slide under the radar and left Earth unprepared for what would eventually happen.

Shepard sat back and took a deep breath as the lighting dimmed under her biotics as they began to flare, mimicking her frustrations. Shepard uncurled her fingers from her head and activated her terminal and began to look through the information both herself and Miranda had gathered whilst filing reports after the pointless missions the Illusive Man had sent them on, only to go there and find them deserted because the Collectors had and were still take colonists. Shepard's brow creased as the guilt was an added weight to the amount on the Commander's back, Shepard was just glad that she had someone to share the weight of it all with.

Miranda, now she was quite something, the Commander thought as she tried to relax, Shepard found her to be clinically cold and clean cut, the total professional or so Shepard had thought until those continuous late night report writing and filing had worn those barriers down and they had become somewhat friends and Shepard found that for Miranda, that Cerberus hatred was near none. In fact, it had appeared to Shepard that Miranda over time has grown increasingly frustrated with the Illusive Man and when the others look at Miranda they see the Cerberus ice queen.

Shepard somehow found a person who was lonely and not this Cerberus ice queen.

Shepard eyes glanced over information which she must have read more times than she could count and both herself and Miranda had analysed it over and over again, extracting any and every possible root, meaning or potential causes from it and still they were not prepared, less prepared from the first mission when they knew nothing. It seemed that it was a feat that not even the great Commander could pull off. Shepard rolled her shoulders as they began to ache, almost as if they could feel the weight on them as she rub her face in an attempt to remove even a hint of the tiredness which constantly haunted her since her awakening in the Cerberus medical facility.

"Commander, Operative Lawson requests your presence as soon as possible" EDI says as her blue holo appears in the corner and the Commander sluggishly rises to her feet and as she turns towards the door she catches her reflection in the mirror. The orange glow illuminates under her scars and her eyes have dark circles underneath them and her tanned skin seems to be stretched tight across her face and it seems her eyes are the only part of her which is alive, her eyes still have the razor sharp edge to them and the reddish brown iris skewers her own reflection with perfect clarity. Shepard runs a hand through her hair as the brown locks fall softly below her shoulders, different from the bun her hair is always pulled back into.

"EDI, please inform Miranda that I am on my way" Shepard says as she takes heavy steps towards the lift as the blue holo disappears and it speeds her down toward the Information Desk and as the doors open Shepard walks towards Miranda's office and she sees the crew winding down for the night as the day draws to a close. Shepard approaches the red door lock which turns green on her arrival and opens as she walks through and the intense blue eyes of Miranda Lawson lock onto the Commanders and they hold her gaze as Miranda stands from her chair and a small smile appears on her lips and the Commander cannot help but return it as the tension in her back lessens and her stomach begins to unknot at the sight of her.

"Shepard" Miranda says breathily and Shepard's smile widens at her breathy tone as her heart rate speeds up at the site of the Commander and she scolds herself. Miranda knows there is no time for stupid silly crushes which have arisen from idolisation. Shepard sits down and leans onto her desk with her elbow acting as her rest and Miranda can see how this mission is stressing her out and the thing that Miranda never understood was how Shepard, no matter what has happened just seems to keep giving her all. Miranda's brow creases as she can see the scars flickering lightly and she takes a step towards the Commander with her arms crossed,

"You're Omnitool was reporting high levels of stress," Miranda says as she leans on her desk on the opposite side to Shepard and Shepard's eyes seem to be more red in this light and Miranda's breath gets caught in her throat and she clears it before carrying on under the intense, heavy look of the Commander of the Normandy. "I was just checking to see whether you were okay, and to see if I could help" Miranda finishes and Shepard smiles and Miranda can see the dark circles under Shepard's eyes as she sits up and waves her hand at Miranda in a fashion which only be to brush off the unusualness of her caring nature,

"It is nothing that I am not used to. It is just the same old problems Miranda" Shepard says softly and Miranda can hear the cracks in her voice, she needs some R and R but she is too busy about worrying about everyone else to see how much she needs it too. Miranda's hand stretches out and she can feel her heart thumping in her chest as she caresses Shepard's check as it runs over the scar and Shepard's head snaps up to Miranda as she flinches out of her touch and Miranda tries to mask the feelings of hurt before Shepard sees it but it is too late as Shepard can see the brief flash of hurt in her eyes.

"What do you think you are doing Miranda?" Shepard says in a low voice and Miranda tries to think of some words but her heart is too busy beating in her throat and for the first time in a long time the Cerberus Officer is lost for words, and under the Commander's eyes it seems to be the only place where this happens. They continue to stare at each other and Shepard can feel a trickle of sweat down her face as she tries to keep herself from blushing under Miranda's burning eyes as she watches Miranda swallow before talking.

"Shepard, I… I am just worried about you, you never take some time out for yourself and I can see under that tough exterior that you are suffering. I…I hate seeing you like this" Miranda says eventually after she manages to regain her composure, Shepard stands and her brow furrows as she raises her hand to her cheek as she can still feel the ghost touch of Miranda's hand drifting over her cheek. Sometimes Shepard questions what kind of Commander she thinks she is. She cannot afford to take a break; she needs to keep working hard to ensure they are ready. Shepard walks through Miranda's office not once looking at Miranda as she leans on the ledge beside the window which shows the complete emptiness of space.

"Miranda, I cannot afford to just waste a day doing nothing, this crew is still not ready for what is going to happen when we the shit gets real, this time round I am taking everyone with me and making sure everyone gets back safe and alive but they aren't ready and it is my job to make sure they are! Otherwise Miranda we are going to die. I refuse to die again at the hands of the Collectors" Shepard saying as her voice varies in pitch as the anger boils in the pit of her stomach and her already tense body winds even tighter than it was and she presses her forehead to the glass, letting the coldness of space freeze her mind. Shepard is so tired and she just wants to stop but she can't. Miranda's heart swells and there is something about Shepard that forces her to care.

At first, it was unsettling, then she had to do those reports with the Commander and everything seemed so easy to understand yet so complicated. Miranda felt as if she knew Shepard better than most and for the first time for her somebody had taken the time to understand her and not force her to open up and more importantly, not labelled as a cold-hearted bitch.

Miranda was stood behind the Commander before she was fully aware of it and she stretched her hand out as she watched Shepard's breath get more and more rapid under the stress she was obviously feeling, it showed in every muscle. Or it did to Miranda at least; after all she had spent two years putting her back together.

"You are going to tear yourself apart if you don't slow down or at least stop. If you aren't 100% then how do you expect the crew to be ready? I am worried you are going to burn out and I don't want to explain to the Illusive Man why-"Miranda started,

"Don't Miranda. Just don't bring him into this. I don't _care _what he thinks; you know that better than anyone. I thought you knew better than to think that I care what he thinks" Shepard says in a quiet tone which causes chills down Miranda's back and her anger rises as she watches the still form of Shepard as she can see Shepard's shallow breathing,

"But I have to bring him into this, he is the one I report to, he is the one you get you're missions off. He will always have a say and so he needs to be informed. Much to my displeasure, that is what happens aboard this vessel" Miranda says with finality and for a moment Shepard says nothing but she is so still and Miranda cannot even see her breathing and she knows she has overstepped the line.

Shepard whirls round at a speed Miranda wasn't even where she could move at and their eyes meet and Miranda's room lights dim and flicker as the hairs on Miranda's neck begin to rise as she can feel Shepard's power.

"He may be your boss and mine but he has no fucking input on anything else, I hate the fact he acts like he owns you. He doesn't own you Miranda, nobody fucking owns you. I hate the way he makes us do these pointless missions which just give us the same date as we already had! He is constantly on our backs and he dictates how this crew works without giving us all the answers we need! How can you follow a man who does nothing but boss you around!?" Shepard explodes in Miranda's face and Shepard takes steps closer until she is in front of Miranda as the Cerberus Operative watches as the Biotic static tinges Shepard's body blue and Miranda's own biotics flares up and her body tenses in anticipation. This was not what she had in mind when she called Shepard to come and see her.

"If you have not noticed, _Commander. _I only take my orders from you if you had not noticed and just because he overrides some of your choices does not mean I agree with them! I know he doesn't own me but you wouldn't understand what it's like! He has something over me and there isn't anything I can do" Miranda yells and her voice slowly lowers in pitch as the anger begins to leave her and her biotics die down as Shepard's fade.

"At the end of the day Miranda, the only thing that matter is that my crew believes in me, to me it only matters what they think,"

Only is it now that do both of them how close they are stood to each other, they have moved unconsciously closer, almost as if they were gravitating towards one another and now they are closer than arm length and probably the closest they have ever been to one another. Their eyes still hold the intensity of their short argument and they just stand there, both frozen on the spot, eyes locked with one another and Miranda can feel her heart beating in her throat once again as Shepard leans closer to Miranda,

"That man, holds nothing over you, this maybe his property but I am the one commandeering it" Shepard says in a low voice and Miranda believes she can sense some level of care in Shepard's tone and she looks into the Commander's eyes before darting away as her cheeks begin to flush under her gaze and she realises that this maybe the only opportunity she gets, with everything that is going to happen on this mission. Why shouldn't she? Shepard pulls away slightly before turn back to the window and Shepard takes a deep breath that she hadn't realised she had been holding in until she turned away from Miranda. Shepard bit her lower lip as she looked back out to the emptiness of space. There was something about Miranda that made her act in a way which as so much more like who she used to be before… everything and it was almost a small cry of relief when she spent time with Miranda alone, for Shepard it was like breathing fresh air and it was almost a natural gravitation towards Miranda and for the first time on this mission. Something felt easy and Shepard could feel herself recognising something that was always there. Shepard smiled before it faltered.

What would this mean if a mission came along and a decision would have to be made again that led to Miranda's death? This would be a bad idea but she could tell this would be something special, even if it turned out to be for a short time.

Miranda just watched Shepard with disappointment in her heart; she was too busy being caught up under the Commander's gaze to even recognise that was the opportunity to make her move.

Miranda Lawson had not seized the moment she had been waiting for since the Commander had risen and even though she had dismissed it, even shut the Commander out when she felt it the most but now, now Miranda was just tired. Tired of being alone and the only person who seemed to understand that loneliness, the loneliness which caused her heart to ache with the echo of loss was the Commander. Their worlds were slowly becoming one and as time went on Miranda had removed the walls between them that she had built and she had found that not everything could be explained by Cerberus and sometimes the best things are beyond the boundaries of Cerberus and the Illusive Man only if she tried to take them when they arose.

Shepard was one of these, and for the first time, in so so long Miranda was willing to open that part of her which seemed lost when she found Orianna as a baby and she had lost her heart and surrounded herself with her father's ideals and the solid belief that she had to be perfect, now she could see that none of that mattered anymore.

"Miranda… I… your opinion is the only one that seems to bother me anymore. You… Just you seem to matter to me, so when you say about the Illusive Man, I cannot help this feeling I get. It is more than anger it is something altogether… different" Shepard says in a tone which Miranda had not heard before but Miranda cannot stop the joy and happiness that runs through her at what Shepard says, it is almost unreal to Miranda and to hear that, it brings a tear to her eye.

Miranda cannot help herself and she places her hand on the Commander's shoulder and coaxes the Commander to turn around and under Miranda's hand which courses warmth to surge through the Commander and her eyes fixate onto Miranda's blue hues as Shepard feels Miranda's hands cup her face and she closes her eyes and her touch for the Commander is more relaxing than anything in the past and she places her hands over Miranda's. The Commander takes a deep breath as her eyes flutter back open onto Miranda's and Miranda smiles at Shepard as the light makes her reddish brown eyes glow softly.

"There is something about you Shepard, I don't know what it is, but it makes me never want to let go of you, no matter what this mission will bring. All I know is that I don't ever want to let go" Miranda whispers softly and Shepard smiles at her as their lips meet and for them both it brings more than the feeling of lust and something that may result in love.

It brings the end to the constant loneliness they have both been feeling for a very long time.

**A/N: I know this one was not that detailed on their whole kiss but I didn't want that but there we have it, my first ME one-shot. So let me know what you thought of this - Bexaday**


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